“I’d like to focus on muscle building for the next couple of months.”

“Hell yeah!” I replied, “I’ve been dialing in my Physique programs over the last year, I’ll put one together for you.”

“No, not like that,” he started getting squirrely in his chair, his face visibly uncomfortable as he looked at the ground- 

“I don’t want to do physique stuff- I don’t care how I look.”

Now I was a bit confused.  “Tell me what you had in mind.”

“I want to build muscle, but not in a bodybuilding way, I want it to be functional muscle.”

Ahhhh there it is.  

It was clear to me now. 

He absolutely wanted to build muscle in a bodybuilding way…he just didn’t want to say that.

This was a handful of years ago when I owned my gym.  At this time, Crossfit had made “functional” exercise popular, and lots of folks started making fun of people who worked out for appearances.

It was an interesting paradox though…

what caught most dudes attention about Crossfit was the Greek God like physiques of the top competitors who were all over social media. 

It became a weird loophole in male reasoning…

I want to look like that guy, but if I do crossfit I can just say I want to be “functional” and not have to admit to anyone that I want to look better.

Of course- those top competitors were on a BOATLOAD of PEDs and trained 4-6 hours per day.

What the average gym goer didn’t know was that their 3x/week, 20 minute “WOD” wouldn’t produce those results.

It confused a lot of people, including this dude who came to me to put on 20lbs of muscle…but also had to make sure he let me know that it had NOTHING to do with wanting to look better- it was to be more “functional.”

Look, I got into the lifting game to get bigger, stronger, to be SEEN by girls, to gain respect from dudes…

And at the time, at 19 years old…every other dude was lifting for the EXACT SAME reason.  There was no pretense, no shame…

Just guys spending time and effort to look better.

But somewhere along the line, a stigma became attached to wanting to look better.

Guys in their 30s, 40s and beyond have no problem hitting the gym- but they have a HUGE problem with admitting (to themselves and others) that a massive reason to do so is to look better.

We don’t want to be perceived as vain, or girly or superficial.

There is an underlying belief in our society that caring about our looks detracts from our rugged manly nature.

We’ve been fed a lie all of our lives- the lie that looks don’t matter. 

I clearly remember growing up; parents, teachers and all the adults in my life constantly told me that “It’s what’s on the inside that counts” and other feel good cliches.

While it’s nice to reassure someone that they don’t need to look like Brad Pitt in order to be successful in this world, these cliches carry a very real danger…

They carry the unconscious message that putting effort into your looks - whether it’s clothes, physique or grooming…is vain and shallow.  

By telling us as kids that “looks don’t matter”- shame, guilt and embarrassment were attached to any effort at approving our appearance. 

I’ve had personal experience with this-

I remember being so damn skinny in high school that I more resembled a praying mantis than a human. 

Everytime I expressed a desire to change, whether by asking a gym teacher for help in the weight room, or asking my mom to buy me protein powder and muscle magazines…I was met with the same answer:

“You’re fine just the way you are.  It’s what is on the inside that counts, and you’re such a nice guy.”  

From my vantage point, it was plain as day that bigger, stronger dudes were more popular and desirable in social circles, yet these adults were gaslighting me into believing that this wasn’t the way the world works.

Maybe the adults were just trying to make me feel better.

Maybe they were projecting their own insecurities on me,

or maybe they just couldn’t face the reality of human nature.

Either way, it robbed me of a chance to improve myself.  

I’ve since come to the conclusion that two things can be true at the same time- in this case:

You can be a competent, kind, intelligent person who is desirable because of those traits alone

AND

You can build an exterior that attracts more people into your world, which allows them to experience the competent, kind, intelligent person that you are.

I’m here to set the record straight- looks aren’t everything- but they ABSOLUTELY matter. 

Your appearance has a considerable impact on how others perceive you, and as an extension of that…a massive impact on your quality of life.

The Problem

It’s likely that at some point you’ve wanted to upgrade your fashion or make a serious push to get jacked, but ultimately pushed that desire down because “it’s girly to care about how you look.”  Maybe the suppression showed up in the form of priorities…”I don’t have time” or “I have more important things to worry about” or “It doesn’t matter what I look like, I’m just a dad.”

I think this is actually a huge problem.  Suppressing any desire you have ultimately means that you don’t feel free to express to the world who you truly are.

To me, freedom of expression is massively important to living a life of meaning.

For starters- our ability to express our authentic selves leads to better relationships. 

After all…how can you have a deep bond with someone if they don’t know who you really are? 

The quality of our entire existence is tied to the quality of our relationships- to ourselves and others.  Suppressing who we are leads to less connection which leads to a less meaningful existence.

But more importantly- there is only one of you in all of creation. 

You have unique gifts, talents and dispositions to add to the world…I’d hate for you to waste your time in this life suppressing your own expression just for the sake of fitting in.    

The world is better when you contribute your unique, authentic thoughts and talents.

My goal for this article is to validate your desire to present your best self.  Caring about how you look doesn’t make you less manly, it doesn’t make you superficial, it doesn’t mean you care any less about being a competent father or professional.

It’s quite the opposite, actually.  Presenting yourself as the badass that you are kicks you up a level in all areas of life…husband, father, friend and professional.

Aligning your outer appearance with your authentic inner self attracts more of the right kind of people into your world.

Taken to the Extremes

I’m of course not saying that looks are everything and your life will suck if you’re not jacked. 

I’m also not saying that there is an infinite and direct correlation to status and appearance…there are absolutely diminishing returns (and at a certain point, negative returns).

There is nuance, and how you apply this thought process to your own life will look different than how I do.  

That being said, when I’m trying to develop nuanced thought, I like to look at the extreme ends of the thought spectrum on the given topic.

In the case of “Do appearances matter?” there are two extremes:

One side tends to pretend that this part of human nature doesn’t exist, they live in a fantasy land where they pretend looks don’t matter.

Or they might be aware that this is part of the way the world works and decide to rebel against it by intentionally presenting themselves as a contrarian to societal norms.

Picture this- 

The blue haired barista with a septum piercing and gypsy-like thrift store clothes-

who is ANGRY at the world for not “seeing them” for the creative genius that they are. 

Doesn’t anyone know that they have written the world’s BEST movie script or novel ever??? 

They’re wondering if they’ll ever be “discovered.” 

Of course they won’t be “discovered”.  Because no one takes them seriously as a professional, simply because of their appearance.

And of course on the other side of the extremes are people who obsess over their appearance so much that they forget to build anything of substance in their lives.

Maybe you’ve seen the young dude who LIVES in the gym. 

He’s there 6 days per week. 

He has killer abs, a massive bench press and is absolutely jacked. 

His gym fashion is on  point. 

His selfies on Instagram get hundreds of likes. 

He rocks designer jeans and shoes, maybe even a watch and chain outside of the gym.  

He also has no friends, can’t really date because restaurant food doesn’t fit his macros and he has not read a book since 6th grade. 

His appearance is dialed in…but not a lot happening inside his skull.

These are the extremes of caring or not caring about your appearance.

Look man, there is a healthy middle ground.  There is a reason to put effort into your appearance.  There is nuance and complexity to this conversation.  

But first, we have to discuss the Truth of the Matter.

The Truth

The truth is that appearances matter a great deal for your experience here on Earth.

For starters- your appearance dictates how you feel.

Have you ever put on clothes that made you feel self conscious? 

Maybe you wore something that was out of place for an event that you were at.   For example, you wore your “go-to” jeans and polo to a formal event, only to feel massively  under dressed when you got there- 

so much so that all you could think about was how dumb you felt.

Or maybe you were forced out of your comfort zone because of a dress code…

and you felt goofy in a suit.

Technically you met the dress code but you felt more like a kid playing dress up than a grown ass man commanding the room.

Conversely- do you have a shirt that fits just right?  It hugs your arms just the right way without being too tight everywhere else?  Picture how that makes you feel…when you know you’re presenting your best self.

You see, whatever you feel inside will be projected into the world. 

And whatever you project will be picked up on by the people you interact with. 

They will sense your confident and easy nature or they will sense your self consciousness and anxiety-

And they will respond in kind.  

If you’re confident and easy going- they will relax around you and have a good time.  If you are self conscious and anxious- they will feel uneasy around you and politely excuse themselves to go be around someone who makes them feel more comfortable.

In addition to your appearances shaping your experience through your inner world (i.e. how you feel), they will also shape your experience through how others respond to you.

Look, man- people make snap judgements of you- they unconsciously judge your appearance and “sort” you into certain categories within seconds of seeing you.

This isn’t fair, but this is the way our caveman brain works.

We need to be able to judge who is friend or foe, and what role someone will play in this world.

And while someone can certainly change their mind about that snap judgment after spending some time with you-

it’s important to note that not everyone will be able to spend enough time with you in order to form a well thought out opinion.

When it comes to appearances- it makes sense to stack the deck in your favor by putting enough thought into how you look to ensure that you are broadcasting the true essence of who you are. 

In other words- do what you gotta do to put yourself in a position where you feel confident and natural. 

Sure, it takes effort.  No it’s not vain…it’s smart.

Looks Are Part of the Equation

Before I get too far down this rabbit hole, I need to say something that no one else will…

Being attractive is important, even to married men.

Let’s start here: It’s selfish to look like a slob.  It’s worth taking the time to present yourself in a manner that makes your wife and kids proud.

You’re the leader of the household, after all.  People want to follow someone who they can be proud to rally behind, not someone who they are embarrassed by or ashamed of.

How you present yourself affects your marriage in a major way.

A strong marriage, which I believe (and history shows) to be the bedrock of a stable society, is simply impossible to achieve with two individuals who are stuck together, fulfilling their legal obligations because no one else would want them.

A strong marriage happens when each partner is strong as an individual, and chooses to pour into their relationship.

So do your part- be as strong of an individual as you can be, which includes putting some effort into your appearance.

But there’s a whole other part of being attractive that doesn’t get talked about much-

Being attractive goes beyond sexual attraction or mating.

An attractive individual is a magnet for friends, opportunities, jobs and partnerships.

You want to serve your family at the highest level?  You want to maximize your income? Build a badass network?

Then you better make DAMN SURE that you’re someone that people want to be around.

It’s that last part…”someone who people want to be around” that we’ll focus on next.

Looks aren’t everything, but they are part of the equation.

Since we discussed appearance quite a bit so far, let's take a look at the rest of the Equation.

Presence

You know that person who commands a room from the second they walk in; before they even speak?  This is the person that everyone is drawn to, yet they can’t tell you exactly why.

That’s what we’re going to talk about next.

When we want to look better- it’s often a piece of a bigger equation.

We want to be noticed, we want to be viewed as a high value member of society, or put another way- 

We want to attract friendships, opportunities, and partnerships. 

And in order to do so, we need to have a Presence about us.

Looks can add to your presence, but there’s a lot more to it.

It’s estimated that only 7% of human communication happens with words.  

The majority (55%) is completely non verbal, while 38% of communication happens “vocally”- or by the tone of voice, not the words we’re saying.

The more we align our Inner and Outer world, the stronger our energetic presence becomes.  With a strong presence, people can sense who we are, without us having to speak.  Our body language, facial expressions, posture, physique and clothes do all the talking for us.

Presence is the ability to communicate who you are and what you’re about without words.

A strong Presence is a Super Power.  

Presence is a combination of our Inner world and Outer world.

Our inner world is our Confidence, Self awareness, and Self Acceptance.

Confidence doesn’t mean that we have all the answers or that we’re sure that we’ll win every time.

Rather, confidence comes knowing that we’ll be alright when we don’t win.  The only way to become confident is to do the work, to master something, to increase our overall competence.  Confidence grows when we grow as people.

Self awareness simply means that we know who we are.  We know that we have flaws, biases and most importantly- that we are subject to the laws of human nature.

Those who lack self awareness tend to think that they are above human nature, not subject to inherent laws and biases, and as such, come off as smug or on a moral high horse.

Self awareness isn’t just about knowing your weak spots, though.  It’s also about understanding that you have talents and, more importantly, knowing what those talents are.  You can recognize that there are things that you can do easily that others struggle mightily to do.

Lack of awareness of our talents leads us to feel like a failure, chasing jobs and careers outside of our zone of genius. 

As Dr Seuss said “If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life thinking that it’s stupid.” 

Lack of awareness of our talents can also lead to lack of ambition- if we don’t see a path to victory, we don’t see a point in even trying.  This is a sad state to be in.

It is equally important to be aware of our blindspots as it is our talents.

Confidence and Self awareness aren’t enough, though.  To have a truly magnetic Presence, we’ve gotta venture into Self Acceptance.

If Self Awareness is about recognizing our flaws and biases, Self Acceptance is about working to improve them- without judgment. 

Improving our weaknesses because we don’t feel “good enough” is a negative judgment of self. 

Being neutral about our flaws, and working on them because we’re excited to grow into the next iteration of ourselves is true Self Acceptance.

It’s a bit of a dichotomy, but I can best say it like this-  Self Acceptance is when we accept our flaws and do not judge ourselves for them, while at the same time we honor our potential by striving to become the best possible version of ourselves.

When it comes to our talents, Self Acceptance isn’t just about “knowing” that we’re good at something, it’s about honoring your talents by taking them seriously. 

Self Acceptance leads to openness. 

Remember when we talked about what you process on the inside gets projected out?

Well if you are Confident, you don’t need to compete with everyone you meet. 

You’re secure with yourself, which makes others around you secure with themselves. 

If you are Self Aware and Self Accepting, you see flaws in others without judgment-

and you are also able to see their innate talents and naturally want to help them excel.  

This helps others remove negative emotion about their own flaws and calls out the best in them- making them excited to develop their talents.

This leads to an Open type of Presence that everyone wants to be around.

No one wants to be sized up and judged.  People want to be seen and collaborated with.

Work on your Confidence, Self Awareness and Self Acceptance and pay attention to how your daily interactions change for the better. 

A Final Note on Inner and Outer Worlds 

I’m gonna go with a metaphor on this one- Think of yourself as a book.

The Cover or your book attracts readers by catching their eye and giving them a sense of what the book is about.

This is your Outer World- your physique, style and general way of presenting yourself.

Your Inner World is the content of the book itself. 

Your Inner World is complex, to truly know it and build a relationship with it takes time- the book has to be read, thought about, discussed.

In this sense- the cover is important.  It has to not only catch attention, but it needs to be aligned to the book. 

You wouldn’t put a Romance Novel cover on a Philosophy book- it’s a total misalignment.  A reader who came for a romance novel will be tuned out after just a few pages.

The cover is important, but also- to spend all your time on the cover, without developing the content of the book is not the best move. Many readers will be drawn to the book, only to quickly discover that the content is empty.

Both the cover and the content of a book matter- they work together to advance the mission of the book.  In much the same way, your Appearance, Character and Presence work together to advance your mission in life.  

Pay each of them the attention that they deserve.